It’s Good To Speak

I was struck today by the article in the Guardian which said people who have just received a diagnosis of dementia are at higher risk of suicide. It then went on to describe how they felt this was due to poor post diagnosis support and it made me realise what a long way we still have to go.

I remember when my Mum received her diagnosis of dementia like it was yesterday. Mum and Dad were given the diagnosis of mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia from their GP following a scan and told there was nothing he could really do. He referred them to a dementia nurse who came round and visited immediately after the diagnosis for a chat and left a lot of leaflets. Then it was simply an annual check-up for Mum at the GP until they reached crisis point and oh boy were there several of those!

Thankfully for Mum, her vascular dementia meant she was never really fully aware that she had dementia. If she had been then perhaps, she would have been one of those people who took her own life as she believed passionately in euthanasia and wanted to have her choice of when to end her life.

However, the person who was impacted most was my dad. He was completely devoted to my Mum and took it upon himself to look after Mum completely and not to burden his daughters, as our job was “To take care of the next generations, his grandchildren”. His love and devotion was almost too much as he wrapped my Mum up in cotton wool as he couldn’t stand to see her struggle to do the things she enjoyed.

I wish I had taken the opportunity and foresight to speak to other daughters and sons about how they supported their parents through dementia. I was lucky enough to have a good friend who was a mental health nurse who coached me on how to look out for the signs that Mum and Dad needed more help. However, in hindsight I wish I had just spoken more to my dad and built the type of relationship I now build with many of the guests I take on holiday. But that wasn’t easy, my dad was always somebody who found it hard to share his emotions easily and changing that parent/child relationship in older age is not an easy thing.

When Mum was sectioned during an operation my dad was having, I had to deal with it myself and then go and tell my dad when he came round from his anaesthetic then we started to speak more, but it was always on a need-to-know basis. In fact, it was only when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer that we started to really speak and I was truly able to give him the support I had always wanted to give. Sadly, he died within a month of diagnosis, such a waste. If only he had spoken more about his fears and his health, he would still be alive, prostate cancer is something you are well aware of and can be treated. However, I think deep down it was active choice on his behalf because of the fear he had of developing dementia, the importance he put on having an active mind and the fact he could no longer look after my Mum because she had to move into a care home.

In hindsight and from speaking to lots of guests I realise people keep lots of secrets from their families and don’t want to worry them. However, having seen how my daughter managed to deal with a disabling chronic head ache by speaking to a highly talented counsellor I realise the most important thing is to speak to an expert and they can help you to deal with the challenges life throws at you.

So, what I would say is find somebody to speak to who you trust and will listen, don’t think speaking to a counsellor is a sign of weakness or failure. This profession is hugely under rated but can have a massive impact on people’s lives. I wish I had known sooner and am very proud to say my daughters personal experience and view of her grandmother’s dementia has led her to become a fully qualified counsellor.

One thing is for sure, we’ve all learnt as a family that it’s important to speak to one another and we all recognise that sometimes it’s better if the person isn’t somebody who is too close to you and is an expert.

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Our holidays will allow our guests to rediscover their independence, make memories and make life easier by fighting social isolation.

With your kind donation you can help people with Dementia, from all backgrounds, to access a holiday.

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